Keepin' it together...

I have learned that I am pretty dang good at keeping the appearance of keeping it together. When I was about 20 I started having panic attacks, cue hands curling in (shut up Glen). I ruined one of my brother's dates with one of my first episodes, but I did it without making a scene and she was a skag.

Today I had to lead the music in sacrament meeting. I've done this many times and never had a problem- except when the organist messes up and I lose it and start giggling in front of the whole congregation- whatever. USually I keep it together. Today I was leading the sacrament hymn and I was suddenly panic stricken. I knew in my heart it was a panic attack, but what if this one time it was real and I was about to fall down dead of a heart attack. I was standing there waving my arm and mouthing the words- trying to decide if it would be more embarrassing to run off the stage, give Jeebs the high sign to go up there and finish leading or faint dead away in front of everybody. I kept going- as I told myself, it's in my head, it's in my head- please Heavenly Father let it be in my head and help me get through this. I started thinking who could help me if something did happen- Bishop Frogley could probably crack my brain stem to help relieve something and Bishop Whaley is a doctor- either one- I'm in good hands if I pass out. How embarrassing to pass out!! Don't pass out. The pain in my arm is muscle pain. It's in your head. blah blah blah

And then it was over- the longest 4 verses in existence. I sat down, ripped off my scarf and unbuttoned my jacket which was concealing my fat stomach and fanned myself. I don't think anybody noticed I was in complete meltdown mode. Did you?

The irony of the situation- someone did faint in the hallway at church today and it wasn't me.